you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
