I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
