i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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