yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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