I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
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Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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