when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
