you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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