so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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