Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
