You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Semen is not good for contacts.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
