he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
