The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
