No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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