Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
