he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito