Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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