I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
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And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
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