trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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