i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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