I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
