So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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