remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
that is very illegal...i love you.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
