sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
