You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
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Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
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He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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