If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Randomize
