im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
