Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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