I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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