They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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