You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
