Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
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Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
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2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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