Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
