I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
and she was petting her beer can
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
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i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
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I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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