i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
