I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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