She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
whose ass print is on the piano?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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