I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
