I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
