Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
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def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
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You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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