I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Come see our sink grown plant.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
