I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
