My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
