Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
