Well apparently he's into motor boating.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
