I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Where is the hickey?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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