life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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