It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
