so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
