he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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