Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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