She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
