At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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