I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
