I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Randomize
