My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
