FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
